مون

Dear Alexander,
Yes, you know life is crazy but isn't it fascinating how we find this out gradually and it gets bigger and bigger by the time? It's day by day. I found out I have no home long ago but never stopped shocking me even to this moment. Each and every night when I think about it, it hits even harder. And it gets worst when I see someone who has had a life similar to mine and they don't feel the same. Oh Alec! Lovely families change everything. I've always been deprived of such thing. It was fallen apart even before when I was born. It gets me every time when I see someone who doesn't have to run away as fast as they can. People love their families, people have homes, people feel different feelings, people sleep at nights with a smile. Alec you know how grateful I am for my privileges. I have known I'm privileged since I grew cognition. The thing is that I needed more. I need freedom of every burden I've ever felt. The burden I feel when I know I'm loved. I despise it and I despise the fact that I despise it. People get to be loved with nice feelings. People feel safe when they know they're loved. I have always feared being loved. It always comes with so much limitation I prefer to shut it down and how sweet life would've been if I could shut any love toward me. The obsessed way my mom loves me, the traumatic way my dad does, the distanced way my brother does, the heavy way my friends do, the threatening way he does. They all gather on my shoulders and I walk with two times my weigh of love with a bent back. Alexander I feel lonely and I have no feeling toward it. I don't hate it, I don't love it. I have always ran so fast I've never stopped to see what for. My instincts have always told me to pursue the path so I could run away. I've always ran away and by god Alec! the destination better be good 'cause I'm terribly tired and I need a good nap. 

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